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Nothing TO Lose

I could see him coming towards me, and I didn’t know what to think and I sure didn’t know what to say. He just had that look on his face, and that look said very simply “I got nothing to lose”.

 

Nothing to lose came to me on a cold winter's night. I’ve gone out before to do some service work because I believe it’s important to help others. I went out and shoveled some sidewalks and  just drove around. I don’t like my vehicles to sit during winter time. I remember 3 o’clock (It’s like magic time at 3 o’clock in the afternoon) I felt something stirring in my soul. I could feel something churning, it wasn't bad but it felt like I was going to have one hell of a night so I got ready for it.

 

When I saw nothing to lose, he did one thing he was sizing me up, but that’s what men do they size up their opponents. The worst thing about getting old as a man is you no longer become a threat and believe me nothing to lose, he was absolutely a threat. He was dangerous though he wasn’t like I’m gonna go hurt somebody on purpose. I’m gonna go pick a fight I feel like being destructive. No, that's not who he was. Nothing to lose just looked like he was that man who had gone through a lot of hell, and he just came to the point where he had enough.

 

You know that point where you’re gonna snap like a twig. People that say “it is what it is”, those are the dangerous people. That was nothing to lose but once again, don’t think he was a bad guy because he wasn’t he was a good guy he just was under a lot of pressure 

 

When he got done sizing me up, he came closer towards me when he didn’t say anything he didn’t have to if you look into his eyes that says it all

 

He was a landslide of emotions if you could see what was inside of his head it would take your breath away. He had seen things and done things that no man should ever do. Once again he couldn’t even look at himself in the mirror, because of the reflection. I think deep inside himself he had a very childlike spirit. He was good, he was kind hearted, but he was created and molded to be this machine and he was that. He was taught to do what he does best and he didn’t get the name nothing to lose because it just appeared. It was his identity.

 

He built his life around that and he was at the point right now where he didn’t know who that was. I guess that’s true of all of us. Sometimes we take on an identity and then you realize that’s not who I am. I have so much more to offer , and it’s hard to break out of it, looking at him right now he was very much in the crossroads of his life and I get so emotional when I look at nothing to lose

 

He takes me someplace he takes me on a journey into his soul into his heart. I know I cannot fix him. I know he is who he is. With nothing to lose what I would do because I know him. I’d just let him sit there and be peaceful , he’s fought so many battles in his life. He doesn’t know when to stop or if he can stop. I’d like to know what he’s listening to in his head. If it's music, if it's rain drops or if it’s gunshots I’d love to hope it’s something beautiful, but I don’t think it is.

 

He struggles, and I don’t think he can let it go, but I think we all have situations like that where we were put in a position where something is just the way it is. While they drive us crazy, it either comes upon ourselves or we go after it. 

 

When you look at him look at that face look at those eyes look at that crazy hair, the blue and the red those are power colors. Those are not pastels, it's not Easter time. It is time for war. You look at him and he says let’s get it on, let’s rock ‘n’ roll there is no going back. He is a machine in every way, shape and form

 

A really sad song is playing inside his head and I’d love to know the song but I don’t think I could listen to it because I don’t know how it would affect me. I think each and everyone of you has a song; I’d like to know what his song is 

 

I honestly think he’s ready to go someplace and I know where he’s going. Honestly, I think he just came to say goodbye to me and I don’t know him but that’s ok because he had to tell somebody and I was there. 

 

When I look at nothing to lose I say: I hope you had a good life. I don’t want him to go, but I can’t stop him. I know he’s leaving. I can hear him singing his death song and it’s a good song. 

 

But I know he’s going home. He’s going home where he doesn’t have to fight anymore. He doesn’t have to fight the voices in his head, where he can be free. He’s fighting all and he doesn’t want help. He wants to be happy, he doesn’t want to be healed. He’s just looking for one hell of a good fight he literally is writing his own story to the very end

 

He’s literally moving on. I can hear him singing and I can see him leaving me. I am emotional, yes I am but I think he has faced his demons and he’s good with his decision that he’s made and I am letting my friend go because that’s what I have to do. When I look at nothing to lose, I say I’ll see you again someday my brother go on you’ve had your life, you’ve got your battles and now you're at your end. This is what you chose and I honor it. Will it hurt me absolutely but if it makes you happy, thenI who am I to stop your happiness but nothing to lose when you leave know that you are loved you were wanted you are needed. You are a warrior and you will be missed but I know it’s time for you to move on so sing your song señorita song go home a Warrior be proud of who you are, and what you have done Nothing to lose. I love you and I will see you again.

 

As he walked away, he turned back and the face you see in this painting is what I saw. I smiled, and I waved at him and I knew in my heart how hard it would be just to be here without you. It’s never easy when somebody we love leaves us. It’s not easy to get up the next morning or take the next breath but their path was not our path. Nothing to lose path was not mine but I was blessed to know and see and speak and look into the eyes of Nothing to lose but now it’s just me sitting here. But I know his spirit lives inside me and I’m good with that. I listened to him sing that song and I prayed for him then I let him go. Nothing to lose I will never forget you, you'll be with me forever.

 

When you look at Nothing to lose smile, he was a good man, he is a great man. He was a husband, father, warrior and protector. He just had some things wrong with him. He was not perfect, but he did his very best, and I believe that. Somethings he just couldn’t fix. I don’t know, sometimes we just can’t fix things or we believe we can’t.

 

Don’t be angry with nothing to lose. Don’t be unkind to him instead smile at him. Wave to him, love and show mercy and grace to nothing to lose. He needs it he was just struggling and yeah I let him go because that’s what I had to do 

 

Look at nothing to lose and love him, look into those eyes, love the crazy hair, love everything about him because he would’ve done anything for you. He would’ve saved you because he had nothing to lose but in the end he couldn’t save himself because that wasn’t who he was. He loved everybody, but he struggled loving himself

 

I love nothing to lose. I speak his name every day. When I look at the stars, he smiles at me. In the cold winter months I feel him. I was honored to paint him because he literally was my nothing to lose.

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